The Worth Of Knowing

I followed the narrow foot trial down a little hill towards the woods. It was an overcast day – my favorite time to run. I listened to the worship music coming from the little mp3 player clipped to my shorts.

I leaned forward and let gravity take me down the hill as another song began. It was about believers being God’s beloved. I listened for a moment and then pushed the skip button.

Letting myself feel God’s love would make me feel to prideful and self-absorbed, I thought.

I wasn’t supposed to chase feelings. I was supposed to live by truth and I knew God loved me. Whether I felt it was irrelevant.

And anyway, I couldn’t know the extent of God’s love for me without knowing the extent of my depravity so obviously I had to start there.

It makes my skin crawl now just thinking about the way I tried to relate to God as a teen.

How we feel and think impacts our choice in music and the music we listen to impacts how we feel and think.

Music has a way of meeting us where we’re at and moving us.

Semi-recently there were several weeks that I couldn’t listen to worship music (at least not without getting angry). God’s love felt like a cruel joke.

As He does so often with us God made His love known to me through His Word and His people. I was able to listen to songs of worship and His love for me again.

But I have a not-so-guilty confession:

This week I added Taylor Swift’s song “Come Back … Be Here” to my Spotify playlist.

Hang with me. Let me explain.

I remember as a teen not wanting to become too attached to God’s love for me. As if it would make me proud and it was wrong for me to want to be comforted by my Savior. I didn’t want to need God that way.

I knew so much without letting the feeling sink in. So it was as if I didn’t know anything at all.

God made His love known to me in practical ways and emotional/relational ways. They’re special memories and I play them back. This is when the feeling sinks in. When I don’t just intellectually know God’s love, but I give myself permission to believe and feel it and let it change me.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

If I had known what I know now I never would have played so nonchalant.

For me the song highlights the strangeness of letting God’s love in when I can’t physically see Him – when He’s worlds away.

My heart begins to cry out, come back … be here.

“He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!”
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭22:20‬ ‭ESV‬‬