The Worth Of Knowing

Like many deep feeling/thinking introverts I’ve gone through my far share of seasons of doubt, confusion, and anger toward God. They used to make me so fearful. This last season was different, though. I stopped saying I was “questioning my faith.” I started being honest that I was questioning God’s character. I knew I had faith (albeit small). I was questioning whether the object of my little, weak faith was worthy of my trust.

And I started to realize that if God was as He says He is in Scripture, then nothing (not even my doubts or anger or distrust) could take me (one of little faith) from His hand or out of His love (Romans 8:28,29; John 10:29). God offers a secure relationship with His children, that allows us to safely question Him without bringing His wrath on us (Romans 5:9). My feelings and fears are safe with Him because He is not going anywhere (Acts 17:26-28; Philippians 4:4; Hebrews 13:5).

And, I told myself, if God wasn’t trustworthy than I would be at least semi-relieved not to be misplacing my little trust anymore.

I was safe to dig, safe to doubt, safe to question. I didn’t need to run from them or pretend they didn’t exist because God offers a secure relationship with Himself (again, I thought, if that wasn’t true I wouldn’t lose much of any real value). The level of doubt I have as someone who has (some) faith has less impact on my security than I often feel it does.

A secure relationship with God feels kind of foreign to a lot of us, I think. Maybe because in human relationships we often learn that when we start confront a person with our worries or concerns that person may become defensive, shutdown, or leave. As Christians we’ve also been told some pretty inconsistent, unbiblical (I believe) things about how God relates to His children: God only loves us because Jesus died for us, He only loves us when we overcome our sin struggles, we should question our faith if we still have life dominating sin struggles …

But if we look at Scripture and even the way He designed us it doesn’t seem like that’s the way God relates to us. He’s in a unconditional, committed relationship with us, His children

Dependency can feel crazy hard. Learning to trust can feel crazy hard. But we were made with the need for relationship with God hardwired into our bodies and souls.

God designed us for relationship with Himself. He saved us for relationship with Himself. He sanctifies us through relationship with Himself. Eternal life is relationship with God.

“And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.” John 17:3 ESV

Whether I am resting my weight on Him or trying to push Him away, Jesus is still holding me. Doubts, overwhelm, and shame don’t keep me from His presence, but resting in His presence that I cannot escape (Psalm 139:1-10).

“… even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Jesus’ invitation and command in John 15 to “abide” in Him has always seemed inviting yet vague and a bit unsettling. It sometimes feels like I’m at a disadvantage because I’m so dependent on Jesus to do anything pleasing to God. Abiding Jesus (relationship with Him) is hard when I don’t know how to operate in a secure relationship.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” John 15:4 ESV

But what if it’s not a disadvantage? What if it’s the gift? Maybe God wanted to give us the opportunity to rest in complete dependence on Him knowing that what He does in us is something we cannot accomplish on out own. What if this is an invitation into a relationship with Jesus so deep that His character transforms my desires and character.

Even more important, what if being in such dependence on Jesus is how we see Him more fully and witness His glory?

“But whatever [good deeds] I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3:7-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Knowing Jesus must be just that great. To be His and fully dependent on Him must be the greatest privilege. God must have designed us dependent on Jesus because it truly is good, worth it, and will end in delight and God’s glory.

The “but how?” question has been on my mind a lot when it comes to practically learning to trust that God is securely holding my relationship with Him. There’s lot’s of ways to approach that question, but I think the main way is the same for any other safe, secure relationship: spending time with God, sharing more and more of myself with Him, remembering how He has shown up for me in the past.

I’m going to take an educated guess and say that it’s a lifelong process, but that’s okay because God’s not going anywhere.