The Worth Of Knowing

I wonder if trusting in my faith in Jesus to save me is the reformed version of trusting in my work for Jesus to save me.

Yeah … that can be a hard one to swallow. But coming to terms with this has also been one of the most freeing, wonderful things I’ve experienced.

And I believe it’s in line with Scripture.

Don’t get me wrong – having confidence and assurance in my faith is great. John says, “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God” (1 John 3:21 ESV). It is freeing to have the confidence to come before God without guilt whispering in my ears. That said, how I feel about my faith does not need to be the basis of that confidence.

Because what about when my heart does condemn me? What about when I act out of fear or selfishness instead of faith? What about when I feel weighed down by guilt?

Or what about when I doubt that my faith is genuine or strong enough?

I think maybe questioning my faith in Jesus is another way of questioning my work for Jesus. It’s fine to do as long as I understand it’s a matter of sanctification. But questioning my salvation because I doubt whether my faith is genuine or strong enough??

Not only is this a really anxiety producing, depressing way to walk spiritually, I don’t think it’s Biblical.

I’ve been there, though: Staring hard at my little, baby faith begging it to grow. Wondering if something was wrong with me because I couldn’t “just trust God more.” Thinking my doubts and fears and anxiety were holding me back from being confident in my salvation. Believing I needed to figure out how to get rid of them in order to move forward or just be okay.

God was patient with me. He kept me. He kept me when I didn’t feel it. He kept me when I didn’t see Him.

“By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:19-20 ESV

God is greater than my heart. I don’t need to get rid of my doubts or fears or anxiety (which is great because I haven’t found out how to do that). God is bigger than them. I can bring them with me to God. He’s not going to be overwhelmed by them. He knows everything anyway. He knows better than I do what it cost to save me for Himself. He sees my little, baby faith – He is the One Who worked in me to believe and continue to believe.

When I’ve got questions about my salvation there’s one place to go. Paul sent the Corinthians there:

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” 2 Corinthians 13:5 ESV

Is Jesus in me? My faith may be small, nearly too small too see, but do I see Jesus’ work? Do I see how He hasn’t let me go? Do I see how even as I run from Him, He doesn’t leave me alone (Psalm 139:7-12)?

This “do you see Jesus in you?” question reminds me of something a wise person said when I was going through a season of questioning God. They said, “But do you see how God’s Spirit has worked in your life? You can’t deny what He has done.”

Part of me wanted to deny what God had done. Part of me wanted to chalk the Holy Spirit up to being brainwashed. Part of me wanted to say that you can make yourself believe anything if you say it to yourself enough.

But I didn’t. I pursed my lips and sighed.

And God was patient. He kept me.

And that is it. God keeps me in the faith. My faith does not keep me … or my faith in my faith or anything else.

I’ve begun to realize that when I experience anxiety and doubt I can stop wrestling with my faith and start wrestling with God. He is where my security lies so if I am having struggles with security I can go to Him.

Is that irreverent? Maybe sometimes. Sometimes I go to God angry because of my fears. But I think it’s more irreverent to think I can “fix my faith” without God. God wants me to come to Him with my questions and anxiety (Philippians 4:6, 1 Peter 5:6,7). Going to God with my heretical doubts and spiraling anxiety is in itself an act of faith.

And when I don’t have even enough faith to go to God, He still keeps me.

As He always has.

“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” John‬ ‭10‬:‭28‬-‭29‬ ‭ESV‬‬