The Worth Of Knowing

The Edge of Goodness, Available Here

For the Doubters:

Doubt has nearly always been with me. Doubt about almost everything. Questioning “why” to understand the inner workings behind answers and conclusions is my natural default.

Sometimes I’ve felt proud of my ability to question and reason and to think deeply through nuances. Sometimes – especially when it came to beliefs about God and the Bible – those questions felt like a weight that was holding me back. They felt like they were dragging me down and preventing me from moving forward in my faith. The collection of thoughts, stories, and musings in The Edge of Goodness are the result of my most recent season of doubt.

Something in this most recent season of doubt felt different. I was in a place of relative external calm, warmth, and safety. However, internally I began to feel the dreaded darkness and loneliness that I had experienced several times before in my life. That said, I finally felt like I was not “questioning my faith” or telling myself to “just trust God more.” In the past, these ideas had led to lots of circular reasoning and spirals of shame. Maybe this was because I was in a different environment, or maybe because I was older and my brain was capable of processing ideas differently. But this time I genuinely looked at God, His Word, and His people and questioned God’s character. Is He good? Is He good to me? How?!

The shift was subtle, but also very significant. I knew if God was good He would never let me go no matter how small my faith was. If He was not good, then I was only losing a part of my spiritual life that I didn’t want to have anymore. I knew this sounded dishonoring and heretical. But I was also beginning to see that if God was good then it was before Him – the safest, wisest Being – that I must lay out my most disturbing doubts and fear-filled questions. 

I imagine Jacob on his way to meet his brother Esau had similar feelings while he wrestled with an unknown man all through a dark night. Jacob would not let up. No one really won, but the man left a lasting mark on Jacob’s body. When morning came Jacob realized that he had been wrestling with God and that his life had been mercifully spared. 

I wonder if Jacob would have known the man was God if he had not wrestled with Him? Who’s to know? Either way, it’s a comfort to me to know that I am not alone in wrestling God with my questions.

I hope that those who read The Edge of Goodness will also know they are not alone in their doubts. I hope it encourages them to wrestle more with God, Who may provide light and mercy, and wrestle less with their doubts that bring no end and no mercy.