relationships
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seams tearing: being loved vs. being needed
I was thinking the other day about the first time I knew I loved Jesse. I liked him on and off for a long time. Before we started dating we messaged each other often and I remember being wary, but also curious. When I mentioned to him that the frequency of our messages was as Continue reading
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Living Among
“Should we be sad or angry when someone is killed?” my four year old asked me this morning. I scooped another piece of shredded wheat onto my spoon. “Probably both,” I replied as I tried to gauge where the question had come from. I swallowed my cereal and then added, “Do you remember when Jesus Continue reading
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I’m Sorry: an apology for what was (or was not) said about marriage
Husbands and wives: I’m sorry. I’m sorry if the model and idea of marriage was served to you with cynicism. I’m sorry if the divorce rate was described more like an unstoppable monster than a statistic that bows before the hand of God. I’m sorry if Christian marriage was described more often as two sinners Continue reading
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Withness: Sitting in someone else’s discomfort
The thing with sharing about myself is thatno one really gets to see meuntil I know how they will hold me with me.Their questions and commentsabout my story or struggleare well-meaning. I just know sometimescomments are used subconsciouslyto create distancebetween my story and themselves. Discomfort is hard. Sometimes people offer bandaidsto help themselves feel better. Continue reading
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One Thing
Mary didn’t rehearse her lines before the first Christmas. It wasn’t planned out with tape on the stage showing her where to stand, lights fading between scenes, or a freshly cleaned barn for her to lay her body and baby down in. Somehow, this comforts me as I notice my odd yet common desire to Continue reading
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All the Time
Sigh. For me, anxiety comes when I see myself not get it right again. When I see I’m still struggling. When it takes longer than I want. I’ve started to remind myself there is time. Time is one thing I am not short on – Jesus has given me an eternity. It’s a little bit Continue reading
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The Field
I stumble to a stop in the middle of the field and nearly collapse to the ground. I look over my shoulder and see you strolling toward me with a gentle, knowing look in your eyes. At first I think this is perfect, I’m exhausted from my antics of trying to get you to leave Continue reading
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Mercy Truimphs
When my curiosity runs dry and I’ve named my anger “righteous” the one thing that can keep my heart from growing hard is looking into the perfect Word and seeing perfect righteousness as my reflection. It stops me in my self confident tracks. Because I know. I know that’s not my goodness. But it also Continue reading
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With Me
I knowto be adopted by a sovereign Godat the cost of His own Sonleaves no room for reasonable doubtthat I am chosen,protected,and beloved.I knowto be brought into God’s family means the lies I heardfor so long -the ones I recitedto make sense of chaos -no longer apply.I have agencyto think differently,to feel differently,to choose differently. Continue reading
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Some Things To Leave Behind
Beliefs I’m realizing probably need to be left behind: The belief that my sin separates me from God (despite my profession of faith in the sufficiency of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross). The belief that “we can’t know the depth of God’s love if we don’t know the depth of our sin.” The belief that Continue reading
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Take Me In
The Lord took me in.I asked him, “Why?”He said, “Because you’re my child”I scoffed – like Sarah.It was a nice sentiment, I thought. But He was persistentHe held me When I said “I’m fine.”He bandaged me When I said “there’s worse off.”He pursued meWhen I said “I’m not going far.”I asked “why?”He said, “because you’re Continue reading
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When “Purity” Is At the Expense of Holiness
I’m not going to beat around the bush: Sometimes we use “purity” and avoiding “temptation” as a cop out to avoid doing the deeper work required to be in fellowship with the Body of Christ. Pursuing sexual purity is not how we get – or stay – in relationship with God. [moment of huge relief!!] Continue reading
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Shattered
It feels a bit to good be true: probably the most Christian way to live is from a place of rest, security, and love – to love from a place of being loved by God. [When we resist that idea I think it’s insightful to ask why that is. For me, it often involves a Continue reading
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(re)parenting
About a year ago I read an interview where someone said that the Bible only has a few passages that speak directly to how to raise kids. They said the area of parenting styles is one (mostly) of personal freedom for Christians. While I agree with this and need to be reminded of this often, Continue reading
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Sweet Child
We sit down for dinner and you eat your pasta. They say getting your kids to eat isn’t a food struggle but an authority struggle. I smile and salt your noodles. I choose to play the long game with your relationship with food over flexing my authority over you. We send you to bed and Continue reading
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Father(s)
You were the skin and bones of my theologybefore I knew how to read the Word.The strong hand I held when my own body felt vulnerable. You were the mouththat laughed and uttered words of shamethat left me confused at how I could be wonderfully madeand still somehow not good enough. You were the armsI Continue reading
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Asking the Father
I love (and sometimes really dislike) how my kids are unafraid to ask me for unreasonable things, cry when I say “no,” and then come to me for comfort. Their tears aren’t toward me personally, though it may feel like it to them and myself for a time. Their tears are really for the loss Continue reading
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Building Something New
“What’s that guy doing?” he asked in his drawn out 2 year old voice. “He’s using a jack hammer to break up the street,” I answered. “But whyyyy?” came the infamous question from the back of the car. “Because sometimes,” I said with a catch in my voice, “you have to break down old things Continue reading
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A Child
Her warm body nestled into mine. My arm resting over her waist. Her hand placed on my arm. My nose pressed against her head breathing in the smell of her freshly washed hair. My wiggly, expressive, imaginative girl relaxed and resting beside me. I wish it were that easy to trust. I wish it were Continue reading
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Sit With Me
“That’s called empathy,” I told my then three year old as I pointed to Frog sitting on the porch next to Toad who was feeling sad about never having got a letter. Frog and Toad Are Friends: The Letter is probably my favorite Frog and Toad story and I was trying to reign in my Continue reading
The Worth Of Knowing 